I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
