why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
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Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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