i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
