I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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