if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
