thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
