Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
