Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
