My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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