i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
