I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
