just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
