my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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