You can't special order awesome
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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