remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
