Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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