why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize