I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
