True but thats because hes a fetus.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
