my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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