you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
