dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
