I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
