i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
