last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
