its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
