i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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