take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
