i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
