I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This baby is an asshole
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
