I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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