If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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