Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
