Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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