I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
