I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
