Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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