I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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