The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
