I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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