Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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