I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
