her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
