Just took my morning after pill in the library
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
