Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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