Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
