when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
