I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
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so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
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You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am one with the molecules
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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