Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
