I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
