who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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