He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
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You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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