K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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