If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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